Due to mass consumption of specific genres of television, I'm an expert in several fields.
I'd make an excellent attorney. Thank you Law & Order.
I can solve what ails you. Thank you House.
And I can soothe you to sleep with a very relaxing and monotone voice. Thank you The Newshour with Jim Lehrer.
Even though I've never been in prison, I'm pretty sure I know what it's like to be a prisoner because of bulk watching Orange is the New Black. And given that I have three children, I'm convinced my household is a prequel to an actual real life experience of being behind bars. If you encounter these elements of parenting, you may also know the feeling of how sometimes parenting is like being in prison.
The Riots
They break loose at any given moment and usually involve makeshift weapons.
The Meals
I find myself protecting my plate during dinner time. If not, little hands grab what they can until I have nothing left to eat.
The Privacy
It feels like I'm constantly being watched... while I shower, when I pee, and I've definitely woken up with someone staring at me at the edge of the bed.
The Threats
From subtle to obvious, I've heard everything from "I'm going to kill you," "I'll lick you while you sleep," to the most threatening of all, "when you're dead, I get your money and jewelry."
But hey y'all, you've got to look at the bright side of parenting. It's also like having Stockholm Syndrome. No matter what, we love our little captors, even when we get shanked by a Lego.